


Unworthy

by Letmefall



Series: Unspoken Confessions between Sleepwalkers [1]
Category: Supernatural
Genre: Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Bunker Fluff, First Kiss, Fluff and Angst, Love Confessions, M/M, Secrets, Sleepy Cuddles
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-01-18
Updated: 2015-01-18
Packaged: 2018-03-08 02:26:55
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,780
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3191837
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Letmefall/pseuds/Letmefall
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Dean's awake late at night and finds a sleeping ex-angel on the couch in the bunker's sleeping room. Dean's thoughts.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Unworthy

**Author's Note:**

> This is part of the series >>Unspoken Confessions between Sleepwalkers

The night got dark. Too dark for anyone but me to see what’s really on the inside.

Because there’s you.

Curled up between layers and layers of blankets, red ones and yellow ones, hugging a huge white pillow rather than resting your head on it.

You’re a weird guy, Cas. And you know it. Guess, you’re kinda proud of it, huh? But on the other side: Aren’t we all a little crazy?

I suppose that we – Sammy, you and I – are because really, dude? How could we possibly survive all that shit? Demons, Leviathans, Luzifer, Metatron, purgatory, hell and heaven? What else is on its way towards us? Wanting to destroy our little family? Our little self-made-catalogue-home?

Fuck, I’m so scared.

Sammy knows why. But do _you_ know the reason? The whole story?

It’s one thing to be scared of losing your brother again and again and again, to fight over and over and over again to get his ass out of the cage, out of the arms of some random demon chick or out of a damn coma.

It’s an entirely different fear of losing someone who isn’t related to you. Who hasn’t been stuck with you since his very first breath. Who depends on you like you depend on him because you’re blood.

You aren’t related, you’re not blood. You’re so much more than that. You chose this. Chose me. Chose this life above of everything else. Yes, it was your duty to raise me from perdition. But from then on? What’s your ambition to be at my side? To protect me? To make me your priority? I don’t understand you. Sometimes I think that I will never be able to. Speaking the truth, you could have left a long time before and leave me, leave me and Sammy behind like you should have done because we’re messed up, we’re just two human souls. But you stayed. You stayed all along even when you vanished for some time and didn’t give a damn about my prayers.

I’m not dumb even if I can be selfish and mean sometimes. I knew – okay,I _felt_ – your presence all along. During every sleepless night, every fight, every moment in my dreams.

I’ve always known that you would be there when I needed you the most.

A long time ago I was afraid of you. I mean, you’re an angel of the lord! I considered you simply as a monster that could not be killed by Ruby’s knife. Then – I guess it was sometime between talking to you on that damn bench and losing Sammy to Satan himself – you became a friend. A really weird, dorky kind of friend but nonetheless a friend. Slowly you managed your way into my life, you got a place in the Winchester family and in my heart (yeah that’s pretty sappy but it’s true). You were the one I could count on the most.

And that’s when you broke it. Broke _us._

By lying to me and allying with Crowley to became god. And it hurt so freaking much because I trusted you more than I trusted myself. I thought I knew you, thought everyone else was wrong, that they _had to be wrong_ , cause you’re our guardian, you’re Cas.

But I was so wrong while everybody else was right. It hurt so much. Cause I didn’t understand. Not anything at all. Maybe I could have understood but I was too ignorant, my thoughts were way too limited to comprehend and to put the pieces together.

And then I lost you. I was angry at you, at me and at every atom in the world. I wanted to yell at you, to punch you in your stupid face but you were dead. It was the hope of a fool that lead me to keeping your ugly trench coat and carrying it with me in case you’d come back.

Of course I found you alive. Because you know what? I’m Dean Winchester and if I know anything about life it is: after every lucky event an even more enormous disaster is coming up. And yes, I was right. 

But this time I lost you to insanity and to Meg and it broke my heart. That’s when I began to understand. I understood why I trusted you so easily, why I refused to give up on you like a child on his favorite teddy bear, why I kept your clothes, why I wanted to fix our relationship (and why I didn’t come to terms with Meg).

I need you.

That’s what I wanted to say during our time in Purgatory, then again when you dismissed me at the portal, a third time when you came back and turned my world upside down and a fourth time when I told you to leave the bunker instead. I finally said the words out loud when Naomi took control over your mind. Too late to change anything. 

It just broke the spell and even in this moment – watching you sleeping and dreaming and snoring – I wish you would have told me what exactly it was that broke the connection. Cause I guess you’ve already known it, Cas.

All these years it was me that didn’t see you when I was watching you.

Confusing as shit. Yeah. But that’s my life and it would probably be even more confusing if it was simple. If it was just black and white.

But now that I’m finally able to see through all the denial, the pain of betrayal, the ache of losing and the happiness of gaining I wish I would never have opened my eyes.

Why you may ask? And yes, I know I’m sounding like you, angel, and it puts a little smile on my tired face. 

You are too bright, that’s why.

You’re like a star. A shining star whose energy is fading, who is dying. And it’s all my fault.

You are too good even after all that shit that happened between the two of us. But you did everything with good intentions and I guess that’s what matters most. We fixed things even when I remember that once upon a time you claimed that nothing has been broken when at the same point our bond was nearly shattered. 

Anyway we managed to get through everything and succeeded in establishing an improved, more profound bound one step at a time.

That’s when I realized to things:

First, I need you to survive this shitty life of mine.

Secondly, I’m not worthy to even ask for your love. I’m a lousy fly compared to your light. I got the Mark, I’m a ticking time-bomb, I’m a murderer… summed up, I’m everything you are not. I’m the night while you are the day, and I’m killing people whereas you’re healing them.

That’s when I recognize, that I’m no longer standing in the doorway but sitting on the edge of the couch, covering you with one of the blankets you probably struggled down with one of your feet while you dreamt. You’re way too cute, too adorable for a grown man in his early forties _slash_ former angel _slash_ best buddy.

_Slash_ secret love of my frigging life.

Yes, I’ve come to terms with that a long time ago. Surprise, surprise, dear audience. But why shall I tell anyone?

Why shall I tell anyone but my face in the mirror that I would die for this dark haired ex-angel without hesitation?

Why shall I tell anyone about my desire to infiltrate his personal space, to jump into him, to lay him down and fuck the brain out of his head?

Why shall I when I won’t ever be able to speak the words out loud while I cup his face and kiss his lips?

Why shall I when it has no chance to last forever and a heartbeat?

“Dean?” You blink awake and stifle a yawn and I’m not embarrassed about getting caught while I’m watching over you like you yourself did years ago.

“Yes, it’s me.” My voice is too soft and my fingers stroking your messy hair out of your face are too affectionate to be considered as platonic.

You smile at me and I resist the urge to kiss you right now.

“Do you want to sleep with me?”, you ask with that stupid, endearing, innocent look of your sky blue eyes.

And my desire screams _Yes_ , whereas my heart prefers to skip a beat and my brain laughs about your accidently made joke.

It’s moments like these when I want to touch and hug and kiss you the most.

But I just shake my head lightly because as I said earlier I’m not dumb, not a big enough idjit, to put you in danger on purpose. Loving me and being loved by me would be your death sentence. It’s a curse that kills everybody I care about sooner or later.

But that’s the point:

I didn’t expect to need you.

Didn’t expect to _love_ you for god’s sake!

If I had known, I would have pushed you as far away as possible. But now it’s too late. You are a huge part of my life, my best friend and I can’t lose you.

“Are you alright, Dean?” Your gravelly voice sends shivers down my spine and I’m tend to look away from your concerned gaze but somehow you mange to hold my eyes locked with yours. Has it ever been any other way? You staring, me too weak to look away?

Meanwhile one of your hands has found its way to my fingers that are resting on one of the blankets. “You look worried. You would tell me, if something’s wrong, wouldn’t you?”

I nod because, really? Do you really want an honest answer? I can tell you everything, Cas. Really everything as long as it has nothing to do with the things I feel for you.

And here I am, sitting next to you, my right hand stroking your hair like it’s something we’re doing every now and then, my other hand covered by yours, between us nothing but silence filled with tension.

But please don’t expect me to cross that fragile line. I’m not going to risk losing you, my best friend, my love.

And that’s okay. I’ve accepted some things and this is one of the points on that list.

Crossing that line would mean losing one of the few things in this rotten place I care about. And I’m too selfish, too deep in love with you, to let you die under my watch.

“No, Cas, there’s nothing.” Whilst truth to be told there’s everything.


End file.
